The anxious gymnast?

_{*Disclaimer: This blog is not intended to provide or replace professional advice and consists of personal experiences and opinions only.} 

She steps onto the beam and wipes her hands down her legs. She sets up her back handspring. Toes forward, hips squared, hands in place. And then…..she nails it.

That’s not what you were expecting me to say, was it? Well, to be honest, I didn’t expect that either. Let’s take a few steps back to the first competition of the first season of team for us. After a long time coming and then a lot of excitement for both mom and daughter, it was finally time for that big day. I nervously got her ready, pepped her up, and snapped all the pictures. I gushed about how cute she was in her leo. How she looked just like me when I first started competing, and ironically we walked into the exact gym I used to compete in myself. I released her from my grip to join the warm up with her team. And, she just…walked away. Just like that. I nudged my husband and whispered, “I don’t think she’ll do it. I think she’s going to freak out and say she doesn’t want to.” But, she didn’t. No tears. No holding my hand one second too long. No hesitation at all. She never looked back. On every event as she stepped up to salute the judge, her smile grew bigger and she showed no fear. I gave a sigh of relief each time, but I was sure the fear would show at some point. It never did. And that’s when I knew gymnastics was different for her. That’s when I learned a big lesson about myself. 

Okay, stepping back into the here and now. Each time I watch my gymnast who was diagnosed with anxiety over 4 years ago, I fully expect all the obstacles to trigger her symptoms. You know. The ones you can pin-point. Learning a new skill. Completing a backwards skill. Returning after an injury. Getting back up after a fall. Oh, or how about this one. STEPPING OUT IN FRONT OF A STADIUM OF PEOPLE KNOWING GOOD AND WELL THAT A PANEL OF JUDGES AND AN AUDIENCE FULL OF PEOPLE ARE STARING RIGHT AT YOU! Just the thought of that now makes me want to vomit (I know I did it myself as a kid, but watching your child do it is like a whole other level of racing heart.). Every time she attempts one of these things, I expect water works, beads of sweat, or just flat out refusal. But she never does. Leading up to it, we experience a lot of anxiety. We go through periods of time needing strategy after strategy. There’s a lot of stressful moments and chats to get through the thought of it. But once she’s there, stepping out into the action, actually ready to perform…cool as a cucumber. Literally like nothing I have ever witnessed. She’s completely in her element. All is right in the world. Her world at least. 

So, the post isn’t really about the anxious gymnast then. It’s about the anxious mom supporting the anxious gymnast. An interesting spin. All is right in her world because when it comes down to it this sport is magical in her heart and makes her worries melt away. The true meaning of this discussion is what do I do as a mom to best support her until she gets to that point time after time. And what do I do for me so I can best support her. 

Let’s start with a list of strategies I use to help her when she’s facing anxiety before or after a practice or competition (and let’s be honest, any day in between). 

• Acknowledge and Validate: Positive doesn’t equal avoidance of the topic. When the butterflies are really flapping their wings, my daughters and I face them. We talk a lot about what’s making us nervous, acknowledge and validate the feelings, and then continue the conversation with logical and positive solutions of how to deal with them. I just don’t like the idea of pushing the worries aside because then it’s just going to turn negative in the end. 

• Logical Views: I like to point out the logical view from the outside. This is so hard when a gymnast is facing nerves that could potentially be the start of a mental block. Mental blocks become physical blocks and they are so real! We don’t want to let any negative thoughts the size of a grain of rice into our brain to wiggle around and leave gaps for more negative thoughts to enter. So we review logic. Here’s how I do it:

The situation: She’s afraid to jump to the high bar because she’s never done it before.

The questions I pose: How many new things have you tried in gymnastics? How many times have you fallen from the bar before? Is there a coach close by? Will you be landing on a mat? What do you think might happen if you land on the mat that you’ve already practiced landing on? Have your coaches taught you to land or fall safely? 

The outcome: I can answer all of these questions before she can, but she needs to hear herself say that she trusts her coaches and the situation. She needs to hear that she’s prepared to try something new and that she’s prepared to handle it if it doesn’t go her way. And before she attempts anything and I assure her it’s fine, I make sure she’s in a safe situation and is ready. Otherwise I don’t encourage and I help her figure out ways to question her preparation and get closer to comfort before trying it. 

The situation: She’s afraid to go backwards on the beam; something she’s done many times before.

The questions I pose: How many times have you already done this? What came of those attempts? What set up is available to support you? What’s causing sudden fear? Do you coaches trust that you can do it? Do you trust your coaches and their view of your abilities? Would your coaches be pushing you to do it if they didn’t know you already could? 

The outcome: These conversations are normally all about trust. We try to identify what’s triggering the fear since she’s been successful before. Then we identify that the coaches have positive views of her abilities and she should trust what they think of her. I encourage her to trust herself, and her coaches. If she questions that last one at all then we have serious talks about continuing this sport because you must trust your coaches in order for you to continue safely. I let her know that if she doesn’t trust her coaches and then ultimately that begins her trusting herself then I can’t continue to send her into the situations that gymnastics presents because good parents have to trust those taking care of her (coaches during the time of gymnastics). These conversations have always fostered a lot of positive responses for us. 

• Journals and vision boards: Our family is goal oriented. The girls have journals at their gym that they set goals in to work through with their coaches. But we go beyond that. We use journals at home to set goals, release fears, track progress, and document celebrations. Vision boards are one step up, allowing us to relish in each other’s dreams and set goals as a family. 

• Therapy: Being a kid is hard. Being an athlete in a mentally heavy sport when you are a kid is really, really hard. I’m not going to ask them not to do a sport because I’m afraid it’ll be too much for them to handle. There are so many good things that come from sports. So instead, I support my kids by allowing them to participate in therapy if they choose. In order to be an athlete we have to focus on our physical health. We choose to put an emphasis on mental health, an equally important part of surviving the world as a kid, and therefore being a successful athlete. Let me say, I know that all kids don’t need therapy. Many successful kid athletes don’t need this at all. But, we are a pro-therapy household, and so we set the foundation for our kids and give them the option and opportunity to participate if they want. They asked, so we supported them. I also know my kids and their personalities and we think this is what’s best for them in helping them to deal with all the stresses that gymnastics causes, because ultimately we want them to be having more fun than stress and worry. 

• The reminders of why: Why are we doing this sport if it’s making you so anxious? Why are we doing this sport if it’s costing so much money? Why are we doing this sport if it’s taking up all of your time? Oh..you don’t want to quit? You are happy? You love it? Then that’s all you need to remember when you’re feeling down on this sport. That’s all that matters. 

• All the in things: Yep…we take advantage of all the current “in” things like breathing techniques, stretching, praying, writing, drawing, using fidgets, etc. etc. All the things that help relieve stress, deal with consequences of anxiety, and get our minds and bodies back to a state of peace so we can face the situation with a clear head and calm self. 

Now that I’ve outlined some things I do to support my gymnasts in their anxious moments, let’s talk about what I do for me. As a former gymnast, I have certain expectations that cause anxiety. As a mom, I have certain fears that cause worry. I have to do things for me to ensure I’m their best support system. Here’s what I do: 

• Therapy: I told you, we are a pro therapy family and I spend a lot of time in my therapy sessions working through my anxieties of being a good mom so that I can be my best for them. 

• Set realistic expectations: I have to remind myself often that my goals aren’t the same as theirs and this is their sports experience, not mine. 

• Don’t deflect: Kids can read between the lines so well. I work very hard not to deflect or reflect my anxieties onto them. Have you ever watched your child do a dangerous sport? Nail freaking biter day after day! But when it comes down to it, they don’t need to be reminded about that over and over again (see above about reminding them to trust their coaches and what they have learned). So, it’s really important I just give gentle reminders to be safe and then I need to keep my fears to myself. I can be realistic about worries and fears with them without going overboard as an anxious mom. They need that. They need someone to stay calm for them.  When a meet doesn’t go how we want it, I can’t display my disappointment, but rather need to be an explosion of pride for her when she might be feeling lots of emotions. They don’t need all my emotions about this sport written all over my face every time they look to me for a response. I had my opportunity as a gymnast. This isn’t my journey, it’s theirs. They need a supportive mom, not a mom that wants to relieve my days in the gym through them (even though I love that I get to stay with this sport because of them and I have to work to keep this in check). 

• Allow it to be your hobby: One of the biggest ways that I deal with the stress of parenting anxious athletes is by finding true joy in their sport. This is really easy for me, and hard at the same time. Yes, sometimes I have to step away and let this be their thing. I can’t watch every practice and have serious conversations after every competition or I’m going to go crazy. I can’t feed into every worry or fall down the funnel of anxious feelings with them. I have to step away from that all from time to time and remind them this is their thing and I’m here to support them. But, one way I’ve learned to deal with the stress is to be able to really just sit and enjoy watching them. Set aside all the stress I feel from the sport, and watch them get a victory. Put aside all the things I want them to accomplish during practice, and soak up the opportunity to watch them smile with their teammates. When I get to view parenting as a hobby, then the stress of parenting an athlete melts away and I get to just enjoy being a parent. 

• Find nature: This might not work for everyone, but nature grounds me. So when this sport gets to be a lot, and parenting gets to be a lot, we just find nature. It helps us remember that there is a world outside of the gym; a whole world around us that we need to and can connect with.

There’s a lot more that could go into this conversation about being an anxious parent with an anxious child. I’m sure this conversation will continue as my family continues to grow in this sport. I’d love to hear your input, too! Share with our community some good strategies that you use to help your athletes deal with tough things that come with playing sports. And, equally important, what do you do for yourself so you can continue to be a positive supporter? I’m passionate about this conversation and hope you are too! 

With many deep breaths until next time! 

With a smile and a salute,